A Pendulum Between - Kevin Lottes edits

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kl-edits-4-29-08.pdf
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Kevin Lottes was kind enough to do hand-edits to the latest draft of this story. While I don't agree with all of his edits, it's quite interesting to see other people's way of writing/editing and the way they read things.
01:57 PM | 2 Comments | Tags: , , , ,

Comments

  1. Here were Kevin's comments that accompanied the pdf: I think it's a lot better than the last draft I read. I still feel like there's something missing, but I can't tell you what that something is. I did wonder at the end about the bike, since it seems like the main reason he's still there besides being seduced by Gale's presence. There's still some confusion about what's happening in the present, and going back into the past with regard to Emily. And as much as I like Sparker and Gale, I wonder if this story would work better if it was just Emily and William. Those pages where you focus on their relationship really seem to pop and work, but then when you try to bring William back to the brothel, you lose me in spots. However, I love the whole brothel idea and the use of the elevator and masks. Even the story about Felix is interesting, but is it relevant to the story? So maybe use one or the other, or figure out a better means in which you transition between the stories - not only structural transitions, but visual transitions as well (i.e. italicize everything that's happened in the past, or something like that) . As an overall comment, it feels like you are trying to jam a novel concept into a short story. Honestly - and I only really came to that conclusion this evening! I think you have a good beat to your writing, you really do, but the beat sounds like a novel to me - I think you might have too much going on to be asking it to be told within the constraints of a short story. Short stories are immediate, urgent, fast - and although there are moments when your story is fast, it slows down again, and then picks back up, and so on, for me, that feels like a novel. I found myself cutting things even though I thought the writing was good, if that makes sense.
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  2. Also, a full list of tweaks I want to make: 1) rename to .002 Seconds 2) Kevin's tightening edits 3) clarity of reality 4) reverse chronological order for memories of Emily 5) train relationships are memories too 6) for william, the masks are a way to strip away his present self 7) for sparker, the masks are magical talismans that can stop time and regress it, because he has no grip on himself 8) sparker expects william to show him where to go 9) the individual masks don't matter, its the process that does 10) for sparker, el fuchs is his invented excuse to rationalize his deeds. gale knows. 11) for gale, escape is the goal 12) clear up ending: sparker might burn the place down, william is not jumping to his death. Some sketches to add in, related to the above: Time distorted. My self was distorting and I have to dig back further to keep hold of it. My emotions were swampy and mixed, the associations driving them seeming less and less distinct. I knew I was falling somewhere in my dreams, but couldn't remember a thing, and woke seating. I wasn't dreaming at all. I was actually becoming something else. Was Sparker looking for the same thing? Why would Gale call him El Fuchs? I could stay a little longer. --- "Now, I'm not even sure what I'm looking for, but I haven't had any luck, so maybe you can tell me what they do for you. Surely you must be missing something too. Everyone is." "I suppose. My girlfriend, she-" "Hey, hey, I don't need to hear about it. I just want to know where you go. If you find it, whatever it is, I want to know what you focus on so I can try it too." I wanted to find Emily. The original Emily. It's not like I'd find her in the stillness of our empty apartment. And the original me. The masks were a chamber, sealing off the present, and more importantly, my present self. I need to go back, to strip away all the associations and find the me that fell in love with Emily. There, I might find her. --- After a few months I went to work earlier so we wouldn't have to commute together. I remember watching this other couple. --- "See, something's wrong. I won't tell her, but this isn't Gale. Not the first Gale. Something happened in-between and she's close, but not quite. I know the rest of her is somewhere in here", he said, tapping his temple. --- Sparker is taking this all literally, as if each mask has a certain spell which matters more than just the process of seeking back through time. He wants to be an in-betweener, like Felix, but Felix's wife and child were dead. Gale is not. --- "Jay gets confused sometimes."
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